A Few Quick Jokes I
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
A. He sold his soul to Santa.
Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
A radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities ...
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.
A third man arrives at the gates.
What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes I do," replies the man. "And how did youknow that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...
A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop.
"Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful woman I have ever met."
"Thank you very much, replied the woman."
The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars!" the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars."
"How about five bucks? " responds the guy.
"Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we're just haggling over money.
A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys & spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade of his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by & he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday & Wednesday came & went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Things That Piss Me Off!
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
The Pillsbury dough boy is way too happy, considering he doesn't have a dick!
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually.
When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Fuck off! What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do, get fat by staring at the damn thing?!?!
When people say, "It's always the last place you look..." No shit! Why the fuck would you keep lookin' for it after you have already found it?!?! Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose I paid $8.50 to come to a theater and stare at the fuckin' ceiling. What did you come here for?"
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" (I hate that shit)
When something is new and improved, which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's improved, then there must have been something before it!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks you if you know how fast you were goin'. You should know asshole you're the one that fuckin' pulled me over!
Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"